


Firewall

by DaftDays



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Brief mentions of gore and vomit, Can be read as ReiBert or platonic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Mental Instability, Mild canon divergence, Reiner feels guilty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 07:57:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1502759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaftDays/pseuds/DaftDays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>”Dreaming again?” Bertholdt whispers with voice that is barely audible even in the silence of the room. He sounds groggy and still half asleep which he probably is, and for a moment Reiner contemplates lying and telling him that it was nothing, that he is alright and that Bertholdt should just go back to sleep. But he knows he can't, he has never been good at lying to the only person that is more important to him than the entire mankind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Firewall

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty much just self-indulgence thing in a form of a confusing origin story I guess? Not all things match up with canon (mainly their ages in some scenes but some other stuff too). I don't know if the thing about Reiner and Bertholdt is even considered a spoiler anymore but just to be safe, there are things here that haven't been mentioned in the anime.
> 
> Read [on my tumblr](http://daftd.tumblr.com/post/83455639774/firewall).

_We both break free if we make it on top,_

_If one should fail we both will drop._

_We move together from here on out._

_What you need is what I'm about._

  * _what I'm about (les friction)  
  
_




* * *

  
Reiner wakes up with cold sweat running down his back, his breathing heavy and rough. He blinks slowly, twice, all the while staring at the ceiling above his bed, his eyes following the cracks on the wood he can barely make out in the dark. He has spent enough time staring at them that he knows the patterns by heart, though, and after a while the familiarity of his bed and the homely scuffing and huffing around him finally starts to calm down his racing heart.

It isn't the first time he has woken up shivering, a silent scream on his lips and eyes wide and for a while unable to figure out where he is. The wooden ceiling always helps though, the cells he remembers all too well had ceilings made of stone and they were cold and hard in a way that wood could never be and Reiner sighs as he closes his eyes again for a moment. He thinks it's fine, his heart is no longer trying to push through his chest with every beat and he can breath again.

It is a mistake. Behind his eyelids the dream is still playing, the screaming faces of dying people morph into one gigantic rotting figure and then it's all gone, as fast as it has came, replaced by a child sitting in an empty room. The child has his knees pulled up to his chest and his face hidden in his hands, and Reiner doesn't need to hear it to know that the child is crying. It makes his eyes burn and chest hurt and his heart picks up speed again, and the child in the room shifts and starts to lift his head to look at him but Reiner can't let him, he doesn't want it, he doesn't want to to see those eyes full of fear and loathing and accusations that all bear so much weight in his head,

So Reiner forces his eyes open again and brings his hands up to rub them violently until he the last remains of the dream are gone. It doesn't really make him feel any better, but he knows nothing really will.

The scuffing from his side makes Reiner turn his head even though he doesn't mean to. He can tell by the way Bertholdt is breathing that the taller boy is no longer asleep and he curses silently for waking him up. It is the worst thing about his nightmares, that Bertholdt always seems to know when he's having them and wakes up a little after he does, every time, it's like clockwork except more reliable. This time the brunet has been sleeping on his stomach with his head towards the foot of the bed and his knees on the pillow, his feet up against the wall and the blanket over his head and Reiner can't help but smile at the endearing sight Bertholdt makes. No matter how many times he sees this happen and no matter how many times his friend kicks or smacks him in his sleep, his sleepy acrobatics never fail to amuse Reiner.

Bertholdt looks confused as he pulls the blanket off his face and looks around, wincing slightly, and he accidentally kicks his toes to the wall while attempting to scramble back to a more regular sleeping position. He's not making that much noise, only soft rustling sounds as he moves around in the bed while eyeing Reiner with concern, his long limbs untangling from the covers with some difficulty. Reiner knows he should turn away, looks anywhere else but Bertholdt's beautiful green eyes but he can't, he simply does not have the strength, and it only makes the old guilt grow and twist inside him, stab with with its needles until he thinks he can take no more but still he keeps looking at Bertholdt because it's all he can do.

Finally Bertholdt has his head on the pillow again and he frowns softly, his eyes sleepy but worried nonetheless and Reiner has to swallow around the lump that has suddenly appeared in his throat.

”Dreaming again?” Bertholdt whispers with voice that is barely audible even in the silence of the room. He sounds groggy and still half asleep which he probably is, and for a moment Reiner contemplates lying and telling him that it was nothing, that he is alright and that Bertholdt should just go back to sleep. But he knows he can't, he has never been good at lying to the only person that is more important to him than the entire mankind.

”Yeah”, Reiner whispers back and nods oddly with his cheek still against his pillow.

”But it's okay”, he adds quickly, knowing all too well that he can't stop what's going to happen next, no matter how hard he tries. There is another soft rustling sound and this time he doesn't even flinch when Bertholdt's warm, slightly sweaty hand brushes against his own underneath the covers. Reiner doesn't look up until he has intertwined his fingers with the other's and squeezed his hand reassuringly, and when he does he sees a familiar soft, sad smile on his friend's face.

”It will be over soon”, Bertholdt whispers and they both know it is a lie, a lie they have been repeating to themselves and each other again and again as years have gone by, and it is always followed by another lie, just as painful as the first one.  
”And then we can go home.”

Reiner simply nods and holds Bertholdt's hand, adjusting his blanket a little with his free hand. It's an almost nervous reaction, fidgeting, but Bertholdt doesn't say anything more, he simply watches Reiner as the blond boy shifts around to find a more comfortable position laying on his side, and his eyes eventually flutter shut as Reiner does his best not to watch him and fails miserably. 

He closes his eyes as well, fighting the nauseating guilt that he is always struggling with, and the way Bertholdt's hand is strong and warm in his makes it so much worse. Reiner wants to let go and curl up in a ball on the other side of the bed and forget that Bertholdt is here with him, to imagine that he is all alone as he should be, but he can't bring his fingers to obey, and he knows precisely why.

Bertholdt will know if he lets go.

Because Bertholdt never does. He moves around as usual, sometimes more and sometimes less but moves anyway, twists his body in the strangest positions imaginable, but he never let's go of Reiner's hand as he does. If their hands are separated by the time he wakes up, it is Reiner's doing and they both know that, and Reiner doesn't want to see the look on Bertholdt's face when the taller boy wakes up with his both hands free so he holds on and buries his face into the pillow, wishing the night to be over.

These nights are always the worst. They are his moments of weakness, of fear and guilt that surge from the nightmares that are actually memories he simply can't forget. Not that he wants to, he deserves them all, but during these nights he always wishes they would go away so Bertholdt didn't have to see him like this. He wishes for the sun to rise and the day to come so he can again be the warrior Bertholdt still thinks he is, and the warrior Bertholdt deserves.

The moment he falls asleep the nightmares attack him again.

It is all his fault.

He can see it in the dream as clearly as he saw it when it really happened. The titan grabs Berik and lifts him off the ground and with sickening grunts Berik is gone to the titan's belly, his silenced screams leaving the clearing suddenly quiet. There's blood on the ground and on the titan's face and hands and things that came out of Berik splash to the puddles of blood and it all stinks, the smell is so bad it almost makes him vomit. Reiner is standing in front of Bertholdt, hardly a good shield with Bertholdt towering nearly a head taller than he, but he tries anyway. His legs are shaking and he feels something hot running down his thighs but he ignores it as he stands between Bertholdt and the titan, his arms spread out wide. He can hear Bertholdt sobbing behind him, telling him that they should run and that he should stop and then whispering that they need to save Berik, that it can't be too late yet, that Berik could still be alive, and Reiner wants nothing more than to make Bertholdt feel okay again but knows he can't and then the titan steps closer, its face twisting into a vile grin and Reiner's knees almost give out as fear surges through him, making it impossible to breath and he wants to scream but he can't, there is no air in his lungs and he can't let Bertholdt see how scared he is, not when he is the only thing standing between the taller boy and the titan.

”No”, he whispers, his voice so weak it makes him want to cry except he is crying already, tears welling up in his eyes and pouring down his cheeks.  
”You can't have him”, Reiner says and almost chokes on his own words. The titan then stops as though to humor him, to let him speak his mind before it feasts on the two of them as well, Berik was nothing but an appetizer after all. Reiner feels anger spike up somewhere amidst all that fear and even though it isn't much it is enough to let him stand tall for a few seconds and when he speaks, his voice is still pitchy with terror and it shakes but it is no longer a whisper.

”You can't have Bertholdt!”

The titan cocks its head and Reiner thinks he has to be out of his mind with horror when he sees the titan sigh, and then its reaching out with one of its long, horrendous arms and he scrambles backwards with Bertholdt, trying to get out of its reach. It is useless, though, and the hand goes right above Reiner to grab Bertholdt, and all Reiner can do is watch in horror and Bertholdt is lifted off the ground, kicking and flailing with his arms, his sobs so desperate they burn in Reiner's ears.

What happens next Reiner still doesn't quite understand. The titan stops, holding Bertholdt in the air, and before a heartbeat has passed it drops its prey and then it is gone, rushing through the woods. Reiner falls to his knees and crawls to Bertholdt, still sobbing, and then everything goes dark.

Reiner wakes up with a scream. It echoes in the empty room and he clasps his hands over his ears, trying to drown out the sounds of his own terror, and also the screams that are still playing on his head like a broken record. It alone feels terrible but it only gets worse when the memories come crashing back to him, Berik's face when the titan throws him into its mouth and Bertholdt sobbing behind him and the disgusting chewing sounds the titan made and then he is throwing up over the edge of the bed, retching so violently he fears his lungs might be coming up with the puke (he is not quite sure what other things there are inside him but lungs and heart but then again, he is only seven years old and he has never needed to know any of this stuff). He heaves until there is nothing left inside him and then he rolls back to his back, his hand covering his nose to keep the awful smell from making him sick again because he knows that is what it would do and it scares him because he doesn't think he can throw up anymore even if his body decides to do so.

Reiner must have drifted back to sleep at some point, because the next time he opens his eyes he is no longer alone in the room. There are people, adults, all strangers to him, and one of them is holding Bertholdt by the shoulder. Reiner pushes himself up to his feet and closes his eyes for a moment as his head begins swimming, and then someone is already talking again.

They talk a lot, the adults. They say things about the titans and the walls and warriors because that is what they are, that much Reiner knows but he can't focus on anything else than the other boy. At some point the man holding Bertholdt lets go and Betholdt comes to sit with him on the bed, whispering to his ear that it is okay, these people are doctors, that they had scared away the titan that had eaten Berik and that they were only keeping Reiner and Bertholdt here to make sure the titan hasn't harmed them. Reiner nods and listens to the adults speak, and slowly he starts to relax a little, though his tummy still hurts and he huddles closer to Bertholdt and takes his hand and squeezes it. Bertholdt's hand is sweaty and that's the way it has always been and it makes Reiner feel a little better to know that at least something is still right and okay.

There are a lot of big words there, medical terms and other stuff that only adults seem to understand and Reiner doesn't really listen to them. Instead, he holds Bertholdt's hand and the taller boy leans against him a little and he listens to Bertholdt's breathing and tries not to think of Berik and the titan but he does anyway, and that is when he carefully wraps an arm around Bertholdt's body. It feels funny, holding someone like this, but he has seen his dad hold his mom many times so he supposes it's okay and Bertholdt doesn't seem to mind. It makes Reiner feel kind of grown up.

Then he realizes that the adults have stopped talking and are looking at them expectantly. Reiner frowns but he has no idea what they have been saying and neither does Bertholdt. So instead of answering the question, Reiner looks at the man who seems the oldest so he probably is the leader and he clears his throat before speaking.

”When can we go home?”

Instead of the man, a woman answers. She is pretty and has dark hair and she looks a bit like Bertholdt's mother, but she doesn't smile and her voice is cold.

”Soon. But first we need you to do something.”

Reiner doesn't understand but he finds himself nodding anyway. Soon sounds good. When his mom says 'soon' she usually means 'just about now'.

And the adults talk a little more and then leave, allowing Bertholdt to stay behind. He doesn't talk, though, and soon enough they are laying down, huddled together on Reiner's bed that is kind of hard but he is suddenly so sleepy he doesn't really care. Bertholdt cries a little though and Reiner wipes his running nose to a corner of the blanket because there is nothing else to wipe it with, and he holds Bertholdt carefully and quite awkwardly because Bertholdt is so much taller than he is, and he feels strong and he feels adult and he is protecting Bertholdt now, and he holds his own tears in until Bertholdt is fast asleep. He cries out his fear and he cries for Berik and he cries a little for them too until he hears Bertholdt mumbling in his sleep and his hand fumbling for Reiner's. Reiner takes it and the tears run out.

The next time Reiner wakes up he is staring at the wooden ceiling again, still holding tight onto Bertholdt's hand. Only this time Bertholdt's hand is big and warm and still sweaty, and tugging at his own gently.

”Reiner, it's morning, come on”, Bertholdt urges him gently. He is laying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows and he's holding Reiner's hand between his own. There is a soft smile on his face and Reiner smiles back instinctively, his fingers twitching a little as a sudden urge to reach out and touch Bertholdt's face with his free hand comes over him.

Bertholdt doesn't seem to notice, he rarely does, although Reiner is very good at hiding any and all things he doesn't want Bertholdt to see, all his worries and strange impulses included. It's better this way, he tells himself, and so he simply squeezes the taller boy's hand and then pulls his own away. He is feeling heavy and tired, the sleep he had hasn't helped at all but he smiles anyway. It feels fake to him but it's the best he can do for now and he even completes the picture with a wide yawn that ends in a low rumble raising from his chest.

It makes Bertholdt chuckle softly and that is all Reiner needs to hear to know that he is doing good. It is all he really ever wanted, to see Bertholdt happy, and so he relishes these little moments when it almost looks like his wish is fulfilled.

The taller boy shakes his head in exasperation and brushes his fingers against the top of Reiner's head in what is probably meant to be a slap on the head but ends up being the most gentle touch Reiner remembers ever being given.

”Alright, alright, I'm awake”, he grumbles and finally Bertholdt lets go of his hand, leaving him both relieved and craving the warmth, wishing for it to be back. Reiner knows Bertholdt doesn't mind him wiping his hand into the sheets so he does just that and sits up in the bed.

That day they are taken up to the wall. It is a part of the commander's plan, something to remind them of why they are in the the Survey Corps. They stand upon the wall and gaze down at the remains of a town below, at the shattered windows and crumbled walls of the buildings that look so small from up there, and the streets that were once bustling with life and energy but are now occupied only by the titans roaming about. They are like a cruel charade or a mockery, tortured and warped versions of the people who once lived down there.

”Look at them”, the commander says, his booming voice reaching every ear of every soldier in the group perched on top of the wall.

”Look at them and never forget; this is why you joined. To prevent this from happening ever again. To reclaim what we lost. To kill those responsible for our losses.”

And as the commander keeps speaking, Reiner turns his head slightly to look at Bertholdt standing partly behind him, so close that he can feel the warmth radiating off the taller boy. Bertholdt is nervous, Reiner knows it because he feels the same, feels the waves of guilt that he has worked all these years to suppress wash over him and he wishes he could take Bertholdt's hand but he knows he can't. Not here, not in front off all these people he likes to call his friends.

Reiner can feel the morbid anger and the hatred that ripple through the group around him and he looks down again, stares at a titan trying to claw up the wall, its mouth wide open and eyes fixated on them. He hates the thing, just like the rest of the soldiers, but he also can't help but to wonder about the person the titan once was. Whether it used to be a man or a woman, if it had had friends or family and how, just how had it ended up like that. The others only hate the titans, hate them and fear them but they do not know, they have no idea of what they are looking at as they stare down at the titans and finally Reiner has to look away.

Of course he looks at Bertholdt instead, and what he sees on the taller boy's face reminds him of his worst nightmares.

It is the same look Bertholdt wears in his dream every night, and it is the same look Bertholdt wore than day, the day they broke the walls.

”Reiner, I'm scared”, Bertholdt whispers, his eyes teary and his shoulders shaking and his hand sweaty in Reiner's.  
”I don't want to do it, I don't!"

Reiner looks at his friend, his gaze steady and his eyes determined as he reassuringly squeezes Bertholdt's hand.  
”Bertholdt, it's okay”, he murmurs but his soft voice has an edge now.  
”They are bad people. They deserve it. You can do it.” It's true, what he says. Those people are bad, they have locked Reiner and Bertholdt and their people out and won't let them in anymore and it is not fair.And they do cruel things within those walls, what exactly Reiner doesn't know but so they have been told for years and years now, they are bad and Reiner and Bertholdt are the only ones who can help, who can make things right now.

”We can do it.” 

They are strong now, they both are, but he is still stronger. Reiner can feel it, the strength running in his veins with his blood. He is not like others, not like other children his age, not even like Bertholdt. He is stronger, so much stronger, and he feels older too but then again he is already eleven so he is not really a child. He is strong and he is mature and he is able to protect Bertholdt now, even though he knows Bertholdt is strong too but in a different way.

”But Reiner, I don't-”

”Time to go.” It's a new voice, an adult one, and it holds so much authority even Reiner shuts his mouth and just looks at the man. He smiles at Bertholdt and gives him a thumbs up when Bertholdt stands and Bertholdt tries to smile back at him but even his smile looks a little teary.

And they go, and Bertholdt is amazing. He is so huge, so amazing and so strong, just like they expected him to be and just like Reiner always knew he could be. He is huge and he smashes the gate so easily and Reiner's chest swells with pride until he feels like he can no longer breathe. He wants to hug Bertholdt, to tell him he has done so great and everything but he can't, not yet.

They let a few titans in first, to let them take of the people inside. Bertholdt is acting a little strange when Reiner finally cuts his arm and lets the strength of a titan take over him, a new body growing around him, pushing him off the ground and giving him all the power he could ever wish for. He growls and groans and finally grabs Bertholdt to keep him safe and then they are inside the wall.

”...Reiner?”

Reiner jolts in surprise and blinks rapidly and he turns to look at a hand on his arm, a hand he knows oh so well. It's connected to an arm that belongs to Bertholdt, and again Reiner feels the pride surge up inside him. Bertholdt looks at him funny but it doesn't matter because it's Bertholdt and he is more important to Reiner than anything else in his life has ever been, and he is there and he makes Reiner smile. Reiner reaches out to brush his fingers against Bertholdt's cheek and the way the green eyes widen at his touch makes him smile ever more.

”I'm so proud of you, Bertholdt”, he murmurs.

Bertholdt only stares at him for a little moment, his cheeks suddenly very red and nervous sweat breaks on his brow before he lets out the strangest, most strained fake laugh Reiner has ever heard.

”Wow, um, Reiner, you really, heh, didn't get any sleep last night, did you?” Bertholdt asks, his voice pitched just a little higher than normally, though Reiner doubts anyone else notices, Bertholdt sounds nervous pretty often after all.

And that is when he realizes what exactly is going on, where he is. They are still on top of the wall, not in the crowd of refugees attempting to get inside the Wall Rose and they are no longer eleven but older, much older, maybe not in physical years but Reiner can feel the age weighing on him, all those lives they took back then, when he was still proud of their work and Bertholdt and himself. Back then when he had still been proud of being a warrior.

They are on top of the wall with all the other soldiers and the commander has stopped speaking and everyone is looking at them, or looking at him actually, they don't really see anything odd in Bertholdt, not the same way Reiner does. Reiner blinks, the present coming back in a rush and shaking away the remnants of a memory that still try to loom around the edges of his consciousness, and then he laughs and smiles so wide and bright it just might blind someone.

”Yeah, you're right, sorry about that.”

Reiner smiles still as he looks around the crowd, the faces that suddenly feel very alien and even hostile, and he keeps smiling only because he knows they are his friends even though they don't feel like it no and Bertholdt is here with him.  
”I'm alright, really.”

The others give him a few more looks but finally Connie pokes his side with his elbow and chuckles at him.  
"Man, what a time to zone out, you missed like the best part of the speech!” he exclaims and then falls back into silence when the commander's eyes zone in on him.

And they leave. They have done all they came to do on top of this wall, but not before Reiner has given one more look to the titans waiting behind the wall. Bertholdt is no longer looking down, he stares at the other wall, the one so far away in the distance, and the lands that open vast and wide behind that wall and Reiner stops to brush his hand against Bertholdt's as he walks past his friend.

”Soon”, he whispers and he knows Bertholdt nods even though he can't see it, he is already flying through the air supported by his gear, the delicate thing carrying his weight and he heavy burden on his shoulders with ease. 

Soon they can go home, and it is all he can think of when he finally climbs back to bed late at night, his body burning and eyelids so heavy it's a wonder they haven't already fallen shut.

”You want to protect him, right?”

Reiner thinks the question is kind of stupid. Of course he wants to protect Bertholdt, Bertholdt is his best friend and now his only friend too, now that Berik... He doesn't want to think about Berik so he only thinks about Bertholdt, and when the man repeats his question Reiner nods and tell him that yes, of course. The man tells him he can't, though, he is too weak and even though Reiner gets angry he knows that the man is right, he is still young and weak and much shorter than Bertholdt too and it annoys him even more. So it is only natural that when the man asks him if he wants to become stronger, a lot stronger, strong enough to protect not only Bertholdt but their entire village, strong enough to be called a warrior, Reiner says yes .

The man lets him say bye to Bertholdt who looks at him with concern and opens his mouth but then closes it without saying a word and smiles at the end.

”It will be fine”, Reiner says to him and the smile on his face is wide and brash. He will become strong for Bertholdt, a true warrior, and then they can do whatever they want for the rest of their lives.  
”After this, we can go home”, he adds and again feels his chest warm when Bertholdt's smile widen a little and the taller boy nods at him.

Then Reiner leaves him and follows the man outside.

Of what happens after that he doesn't remember much. And on most days, he is glad he doesn't.

He almost dies. That much someone told him, it is not like he can remember such thing. He comes close and they almost give up on him, but then something changes. There is a lot of pain and blood and then more pain and he doesn't know how much time passes until he comes to again. He feels heavier, somehow, but when he lifts his hand to his eyes it doesn't look any different. He has not grown either, he finds out when he slowly steps on the floor, but something inside him has changed and he knows exactly what it is and it makes him feel sick, oh so sick.

But he does not throw up, not anymore. Reiner knows that this is how it is supposed to be. This is the only way he can be strong, because with the titans and bad people out there there is nothing a single boy can do on his own, unless he becomes a titan himself. He is a warrior after all, and this is his duty, and he knows that his duty is important. He will change the world one day, he will help it become right again, and he will be able to keep Bertholdt safe. Finally.

He can control it pretty well already. He knows how to turn and he knows how to come back, although the latter part is still very difficult. It takes him a lot of concentration and it hurts too but not the same way it hurts when you get a cut, it just hurts somewhere inside him. Reiner knows there is still a lot of work for him to do, but he will keep practicing.

And then they let him go back to Bertholdt. It has been weeks, Bertholdt tells him while trying not to cry and Reiner hugs him and feels so much stronger now. He knows that he has the power inside him, the power to protect Bertholdt and so he wipes Bertholdt's cheeks with his sleeve and pats his back and tells him it's okay and that now they can go home.

But he is wrong. Reiner still needs to practice, they say, and Reiner doesn't want to agree but he does anyway, and every time they take him away from Bertholdt to the place where they make him turn into a titan he tells Bertholdt that this is probably the last time and after this they can go. Bertholdt knows it is a lie but he doesn't say so, he only smiles and Reiner has to look away because he can't help but to feel guilty. It is his fault they are still here, he is not getting better fast enough, but he keeps telling them yes, yes it is okay to go to a practice, it is fine. He will be good enough soon, but soon doesn't come and before he knows it he has started to think of the cell as home because that is where he always spends his nights at and more importantly, that is where Bertholdt is.

And then, one day, he tells them no.

Bertholdt has not been feeling well that day. He says he ate something odd the day before and that is why is feeling sick, and Reiner wants to stay by his side to look after him. They tell him that he has to go, and that Bertholdt will be fine on his own, but Reiner refuses again and glares at them.

They take Bertholdt instead.

And Reiner is left alone in the dark room, banging the door with his fists until they are numb and his throat is raw from yelling at them to bring Bertholdt back and his legs give out. He hits the floor with a heavy thump, his body aching and everything feeling wrong, something bad is happening to Bertholdt and he knows it, he can feel it in his bones and he can't do anything. He is too weak still, despite everything they have done to him he couldn't stop them from taking Bertholdt. He wasn't able to turn no matter how hard he tried and now Bertholdt is gone and he is all alone, he is responsible, it is all his fault and he is not sure he can bear the guilt.

But that is no longer where he is. The walls of that room have changed into the cracks of the wooden ceiling above him when he wakes up, panting and shaking and forced to look at Bertholdt once more to make sure he is still there, that he has not disappeared like so many things tend to. And Bertholdt is always there, he is not going anywhere and Reiner knows that, and because of it he can stay strong, he can be who he needs to be, to be strong for Bertholdt when he needs to be.

But there is so much death, so much meaningless death every day and while Reiner can turn his eyes away from the corpses and pretend they are not there, that it is not their fault, his fault, that all these people are dead, he knows Bertholdt can't. He sees it in Bertholdt's eyes, every time he brings down his blade to strike a titan and every time they find what is left of yet another comrade or worse yet, they find nothing. Reiner sees it eat away at Bertholdt, he can feel the difference in Bertholdt's body when they sneak out of the barracks at night to be alone for a while, to talk where no-one can hear them but they rarely talk, they only stand together and sometimes he holds Bertholdt and wishes he could be as strong inside as he makes himself be outside for Bertholdt's sake and he whispers sweet promises of peace and home until Bertholdt feels okay again.

But Reiner knows it is not okay, even when he looks at his friends in the mess hall and gets drawn into an eating competition with Sasha and Connie it is still not okay because one day they will no longer be here. They will either turn out dead like Marco did or they will be like Connie's mother and Reiner can't decide which one is worse because he wants neither to happen. He only wants to go home but sometimes, at times like this, he can't bring himself to remember what home is. Home is here, in this place, where everyone looks at him with smiles and laughter, with no fear or blame but that is only because they don't know, they don't know what Reiner is, what he has done, and he knows this can't be home no matter how much he wishes for it, but that doesn't stop him from letting himself imagine it every now and then. And when his does, Bertholdt notices, he always knows, he looks at Reiner in a way only Reiner recognizes and Reiner knows something is wrong but he can't see what because shouldn't everything be alright when they are home?

And that is why he does it.

Sometimes Reiner knows he is not alright. He says wrong things, he thinks wrong things, and only later he understands how wrong they are. But now, right now, he knows exactly what he is doing because he can't take anymore death and neither can Bertholdt, so many people died and they couldn't do anything to help their friends and Reiner is tired of hiding himself. Ymir has done it already, and so should he. He doesn't want Bertholdt to look like that anymore.

”Eren, come with us”, he says and holds out his hand. Eren is their friend, he should understand, this is the only way. They can not stop trying, no matter what happens, because Eren can't remain with these people, they will use his powers wrong and this is exactly why he is here with Bertholdt. If only they can do this, if only they can bring Eren with them, then maybe this has not been for nothing and then maybe they can finally go home together because no matter how much he wishes for it, this is not home. And for Bertholdt, it never was, Reiner knows it now. This place was never home, it was a prison, yet another room with cold stone walls and a heavy door and a single bed and they were expected to do so much, so many things they don't want to do but they must because they have to get out of this place.

They have to go home.

From the look in Bertholdt's eyes Reiner knows he has said something strange again, and maybe he has, maybe he had no right nor reason to tell Eren anything, and maybe he is wrong again. But it's too late to take it back anymore. He tries and it looks like it's going fine but then Bertholdt is screaming and there is blood and steam everywhere and Bertholdt is no longer there as Reiner knows him but the colossal titan is staring at them and Reiner knows there is nothing he can do to make it right now.

It does not go the way he has hoped it would. They lose Eren, and they lose Christa, and he comes so close to losing Bertholdt too. Reiner feels the guilt creeping up again as he runs as fast as he can, away from the walls and the people and away from Eren, away from the false life they have been building for years now. Bertholdt is hurt, and they have lost, not only those lives but everything they have ever had. Reiner knows it so well it makes his chest hurt and finally, slowly, he begins to listen to Bertholdt talking close to his ear, telling him to slow down, telling him that they are alright and that he should rest, that it's fine. Reiner knows that's a lie, nothing is fine and nothing will ever be fine for them but he listens to Bertholdt like he always does.

He doesn't stop until they are safe again, in a wide open plain with flat grass as far as the eye can see, a place where they will see anyone approaching far away.

”Bertholdt, I'm sorry”, he whispers as soon as he can talk again, his voice hoarse and his head clear once more and this time for real. It is his fault that they are out here, he screwed up bad and he doesn't know what he can do to make up to it anymore.

”I'm sorry, we can't-”

”Reiner”, Bertholdt interrupts him and Reiner has to open his eyes and look up into Bertholdt's, and the way the taller man is looking down at him, still stained with blood and sweat and even tears that ran down his cheeks, it is still a gentle look, a forgiving one, and there is no blame in his eyes.  
”Reiner, you tried, and it's fine.”

”But I failed.” It is all Reiner can say, it is all he can think of. It burns inside him like fire and looking at Bertholdt is like fanning the flames because he knows it is his fault, it's his fault that Bertholdt can never go home now, it's because he failed. And it is not fair. Reiner knows it now, he knows it so well it is almost painful, in the middle of the blaze of guilt inside him there is something else burning as well whenever he looks at Bertholdt, and even now he can feel it deep inside him, the feeling of comfort when his eyes meet Bertholdt's, the feeling of home. His home is with Bertholdt, has been as long as he can remember, it doesn't matter where they are because as long as they are together Reiner is home.

But Bertholdt doesn't know, Bertholdt wants to go back to where they came from and that is why Reiner has kept pretending he does as well and really, he does, but only because it's what Bertholdt wants. And now he was failed their mission and he has failed Bertholdt and Bertholdt has lost everything while Reiner still has all he has ever wanted.

”No, Reiner”, Bertholdt says, his voice soft and his hands reach to take Reiner's between them. They are both shaking and the shakes reach Bertholdt's voice too even though he tries to be still and stern. He has never been very good at that and Reiner doesn't mind because he is strong and he loves Bertholdt and has for the longest time, the shakes and the sweat and all.

”We failed. Together.” That's what Bertholdt says then, and even with the shaky voice and meek eyes he still sounds like he means it, as if it's not only something he says to make Reiner feel better but because he thinks he truly, honestly deserves part of the blame.

He doesn't but Reiner doesn't know if he can say it when Bertholdt looks at him like that and when he tries the words get stuck in his throat. He fights them, tries to force them out but they won't come and finally he gives up, his shoulders slump and the flames inside him roar again, trying to burn their way out of him but he won't let them, he can't. He has to be here for Bertholdt because now there is nothing more he can do but protect Bertholdt from everything and for the first time in his life Reiner has no idea what is in their future. There is no-one to tell him about his place in the world, no mother to whisper sweet stories of warriors into his ear before she tucks him in, no commander to give a speech about their purpose outside the walls. Nothing but the two of them. And because they failed, there is no way they can ever go back. They should have died trying but they didn't, and they are no longer needed.

”We no longer have a home”, Reiner finally whispers. He doesn't know where Ymir is, the girl has wandered off on her own and Reiner doesn't mind, it's all fine. Bertholdt only gives him a long, long look and finally there are tears again, silent tears rolling down Bertholdt's cheeks and leaving strange streaks on all the grime on his skin and Reiner has to pull his hand out of Bertholdt's hold to cup Bertholdt's face with his both hands, his thumbs wiping away the tears but they keep coming back and Reiner won't let go, and then Bertholdt smiles at him.

”I know”, Bertholdt whispers and smiles and the tears just keep spilling as if he has been holding them in for years and years now and finally he can't stop them anymore.  
“I have always known.”

Reiner is quiet because he doesn't know what to say, he has no words so he keeps wiping Bertholdt's face with his thumbs, smearing the dirt and grime around along with the tears and finally Bertholdt leans in so Reiner can press their foreheads together, and when Reiner feels a tentative touch on his elbow he drops one hand from Bertholdt's face and takes his hand.

“But it's okay”, Bertholdt says, his voice still quiet and soft even through the tears.  
“We can make a home for ourselves, wherever we like now.”

Reiner can't help it, the faltering smile that pulls on his lips as he lets himself believe for the shortest while that it is possible, that they can make it, that there is still a future for them somewhere.

“Yeah, let's do it”, he says as he squeezes Bertholdt's hand as if he never intends to let go and it is true, he doesn't, because Bertholdt is the only thing keeping him there, his home and his rock, and for a heartbeat, as Reiner thinks Bertholdt just might feel the same, he is happy.

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued? Maybe? I don't know, I kind of feel like a second chapter but who knows.
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I also have[ a tumblr.](http://daftd.tumblr.com)


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